Monday, October 31, 2016

Unmasking Myself

Today is Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year. I thought it would be a perfect day to post about the removal of my past masks of shame, guilt, sin, embarrassment, fear, anger, and self loathing.

When I started this blog 4.5 years ago I was filled to overflowing w/ all of the emotions expressed above, and my homosexuality/bisexuality/queerness was a big WTF? So many dark, vile secrets, thoughts, desires, and sins running rampant through my soul, tearing me apart. "I just know there's something dark in me. I hide it. Certainly don't talk about it. But it's there. Always. This Dark Passenger. How when he's driving, I feel alive. Half-sick with the thrill, complete wrongness. I don't fight him. I don't want to. He's all I've got. Nothing else could love me, especially not me. Or is that just a lie the Dark Passenger tells me? Because, lately, there are these moments that I feel connected to something else...It scares the hell out of me." I came across that quote about the Dark Passenger from the TV show Dexter and it really resonated w/ me. Indeed I did have a Dark Passenger inside of me, grabbing the wheel and taking control and running my life off the rails at his whim! I had absolutely NO CONTROL.

Fast forward 4.5 years to today; while I do still have some of that darkness down inside of me (and always will), I've come a helluva long way these past 4.5 years in self discovery, realization, understanding, control and acceptance. I have dragged those dark demons and skeletons out of the dark closets of my soul and out into the light. No, I haven't come out publicly on FB or anything yet, but I am pretty open and willing to talk to others about myself. I am much more at ease w/ myself and my past and addictions and urges and attractions. I'm usually happy to share my story w/ others and hope to turn some of the bad I've done in this life to good.

I'm so much more happy and content now that I've taken my many masks off.

Happy Halloween friends, and may you have the strength to take your masks and costume off and let the world and yourself see who you are in a whole new light.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Friend Requests...Never Again!

I recently had 15 outgoing friend requests to dudes who are in my same social circles. And there they sat! Day after day after day. Finally I canceled each and every one and have sworn I will not do that to myself again. I am again left to wonder what the hell is wrong with me!? Why would guy X have 25 other men as friends, (who show as mutual friends in our social circles), yet not accept mine!? Do I reek!? Am I poisonous!? Not hot enough?! Smart enough!? Gay enough!? Religious enough!? What the hell gives!? Stupid bastards.

So I say to him and the other 14 assholes who rejected me, which has become so damn commonplace lately: FUCK YOU! And that's just what you did to me...rejection. :( And I could have  been a really good friend to you.  Seriously, ouch! But I have faith that  what goes around comes around.

Lesson learned from all of this: I will NEVER AGAIN send friend requests out to people, especially guys, who I would like to connect with. Never again! I just can't handle the passive rejection. I will focus on the friends I already have in my life and to hell with all the rest of you douchebags.

To those of you reading who perhaps know me and wanted to possibly connect more personally someday with won't be receiving a request or hearing anything from me anytime soon. Sorry, but the ball's in your court. Don't expect me to be reaching out to you. However,  should you choose me as your friend, I think I would be a worthy choice. But that's all you, dude.