Today is Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year. I thought it would be a perfect day to post about the removal of my past masks of shame, guilt, sin, embarrassment, fear, anger, and self loathing.
When I started this blog 4.5 years ago I was filled to overflowing w/ all of the emotions expressed above, and my homosexuality/bisexuality/queerness was a big WTF? So many dark, vile secrets, thoughts, desires, and sins running rampant through my soul, tearing me apart. "I just know there's something dark in me. I hide it. Certainly don't talk about it. But it's there. Always. This Dark Passenger. How when he's driving, I feel alive. Half-sick with the thrill, complete wrongness. I don't fight him. I don't want to. He's all I've got. Nothing else could love me, especially not me. Or is that just a lie the Dark Passenger tells me? Because, lately, there are these moments that I feel connected to something else...It scares the hell out of me." I came across that quote about the Dark Passenger from the TV show Dexter and it really resonated w/ me. Indeed I did have a Dark Passenger inside of me, grabbing the wheel and taking control and running my life off the rails at his whim! I had absolutely NO CONTROL.
Fast forward 4.5 years to today; while I do still have some of that darkness down inside of me (and always will), I've come a helluva long way these past 4.5 years in self discovery, realization, understanding, control and acceptance. I have dragged those dark demons and skeletons out of the dark closets of my soul and out into the light. No, I haven't come out publicly on FB or anything yet, but I am pretty open and willing to talk to others about myself. I am much more at ease w/ myself and my past and addictions and urges and attractions. I'm usually happy to share my story w/ others and hope to turn some of the bad I've done in this life to good.
I'm so much more happy and content now that I've taken my many masks off.
Happy Halloween friends, and may you have the strength to take your masks and costume off and let the world and yourself see who you are in a whole new light.