Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Letting More Things Go

My LDS re-baptism and confirmation have come and gone and now I'm feeling a bit like it's the day after Christmas. You know.. those terrible post-event woebegone doldrums. To add insult to injury Satan has been hard at work throwing punch after punch to try and bring my spirits down even more. And he's done a pretty good job. I've had a couple of bad instances of male rejection lately. And when that rejection comes from dudes in the MOHO community, it hurts even more.

Case #1

I first met Guy A at the North Star Conference last Spring (March 2016). There was an instant attraction/infatuation one for another and we grew quite fond of each other's company that weekend. Did I lust after him and him me? I'd be a liar if I said no, but we kept our lusts reeled in pretty well. I actually had the opportunity to stay with him for a few nights at his house in AZ when I was down there last summer. Nothing ever happened, but we did enjoy some good physical closeness (no sex) and we enjoyed our time together. Guy A and I communicate maybe once every 6 weeks or so either via phone or text, so we're not too terribly close and we live 2 states away. I actually invited him to fly to Idaho last fall and stay w/ me for a weekend, but he blew me off and said he couldn't for one reason or another. So, I didn't think much more of it, nor him. Just another patch in my patchwork quilt of MOHO friends.

Fast forward to this year's North Star Conference that I wasn't able to attend. Guy A happens to meet Guy B and there is an instant attraction/infatuation between them. Well, they DO happen to talk and text every day. Coincidentally, I actually reached out to Guy B on a recent trip to Utah to spark convo and possibly a friendship, unbeknownst to me that him and Guy A had become bosom buddies. I didn't even know there was an existing connection there. Anyhow, Guy B and I happen to spend some really good, close quality time that weekend and I really like him a lot. Yet, while spending time w/ him I had to hear about his and Guy A's cutesy relationship and witnessed how often they communicated back and forth one to another. The cherry on the cake came a few weeks later when I found out that Guy A actually went to Utah for the weekend and spent some cozy, quality time w/ Guy B. Therefore, it seems Guy A was so quick to haul his pecker to Utah and snuggle up w/ Guy B yet he couldn't come to Idaho when I had invited him to spend time w/ me last fall? Ouch.

So, I have to ask what's so special about Guy B that Guy A sees in him that I don't have? Is he just younger? Fresher? Cuter? Or is it just the fact he's the more tight-assed and newest piece of man meat on the MOHO market/scene and I guess I'm old news?

That bugged me, and it still bugs me. And I don't know why. Am I jealous of their connection and friendship? Am I jealous that Guy A is pawning all over Guy B instead of me and taking more of an interest in him? Am I jealous that perhaps they are both in the same situation (single and acting out) and they could both get together and have some awesome otter sex while I can't? Maybe all of it and then some :(

Case #2

There is a single, mid-30s MOHO gentleman who lives and works here in town who has made quite a good presence for himself in the blogosphere and North Star Community. A lot of guys who meet him think he's the cat's pajamas and have nothing but good things to say. But I say, au contraire.

I first tried to reach out to DB (short for douche bag) via a FB friend request about 9 months or so ago when I found out who he was and that he was another North Star guy living in my area and w/ whom I could possibly connect with. Well, my friend request sat there, and sat there, and sat there. For a few weeks I let it sit until I finally reneged it. A few months later I put together the Men Finding Peace group here in my area (see MFP post) and decide to reach out to any and all queers I know or suspect and are living in my area. Anyhow, I took a flyer over to DB's workplace w/ my contact information written on it inside a sealed envelope and told the kid I spoke w/ to deliver it to DB. I also sent DB a PM in messenger telling him about the local group along w/ another FB friend request. Again, as in all other instances, crickets. Why???

Well, piss on DB I thought to myself, and again reneged my friend request and put him out of my mind.

Then a couple of weeks ago, I hear stirrings in the North Star community of some poor, sad little soul who had recently blogged about feeling lonely and neglected with no one to connect w/. Outpourings of 'you poor, poor little baby' were coming in by the droves. I couldn't believe it! Well, I was delighted to see that DB has his blog set to public so I knew that was my chance to tell him what I thought of him and his situation. So I did. I told him I didn't feel sorry for him and that I had tried several times to reach out and help him get connected to other good MOHOs in the area only to be met w/ ignorance and rejection.

And while I didn't get a response to my post from him, I know and am assured that he read it and knows what I think of him and how bad he hurt me and called him out on his douche-baggery. And that makes me a feel a little better. It was almost like I was able to FINALLY have my say and tell him what a DB I think he is and he really needs to get off himself.

But still, that rejection remains, and it stings and hurts like hell. In fact, if I were to let it, it would continue to rip my guts apart. So I thought it best to block him on FB and completely and totally put him and the circumstance out of my mind. I never want to hear or see anything related to DB again.

I try and tell myself, no matter; I know who my friends are and those who genuinely love and care for me and who enjoy spending time w/ me. Why do I care so much about being (accepted? validated? acknowledged?) by this DB prick and why-oh-why would I give someone whom I've never even met in person so much power over me!? Give me a break!

Well, no way! Not any more! I am in control of my emotions and my actions and my own happiness. I won't have it dictated to me by ignorant turds or stupid, petty, worthless, insignificant occurrences such as these.

I've come a long way, but obviously, I still have a long ways to go and have more growing up to do.  I guess I'd better eat some more fruits and veggies and stay away from the 'junk' food.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Lot's Wife Syndrome

Tomorrow I'm getting re-baptized a member of the LDS Church. It's a day 3½ years in the making and I'm super stoked and humbled to once again call myself a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. What's even more wonderful is knowing that my God, the Stake Presidency, the High Council, and the Bishopric as well as many of my friends and family all know I'm ready to take this step. They can see the change in my eyes and heart, even though it hasn't been that long ago that I was pretty checked out and dark. But even so, I'm at peace knowing that God knows my heart and my potential and He (as well as countless others on both sides of the veil no doubt) have helped get me to where I'm at today. Tomorrow, I will have the opportunity to be "born again" and renewed in Christ and have the past 30 years of horrendous, heinous, grievous sins washed away forever (symbolically) in preparation of once again having the Gift of the Holy Ghost bestowed upon me.

But someone who isn't thrilled w/ this event? Yep..that ole' bitch Satan who has been uber busy these past couple of weeks whispering loads of sweet lustful thoughts, memories, desires, wants and wishes into my DP's ear. And my DP is listening and TBH I'm struggling to keep my eye single to the glory and keep myself focused and resolute in my thoughts and desires.

My wife and I talked surface-ly about my struggles this week. I told her Satan has been hitting me hard core w/ a barrage of temptations and thoughts. And the more I look and lust, the more Satan seems to provide more things for me to lust over! Does that sound like someone who is ready to take upon them the name of Christ and be baptized? :/ Factor in the sunny spring weather when everyone decides to start shedding clothes or putting on tighter pants and exercising, riding bikes, flexing their muscles, and flaunting their beautiful otter-esque bodies for everyone to see. Oy vey.

Now, I do have to give myself some slack as I realize I'm also a man and us men have that natural instinct in the spring to want to screw. That natural urge to mate and spread the seed doesn't lie w/ only animals; it hits us dudes pretty hard too. In addition, my wife and I are in the midst of building a house and I'm feeling excited yet nervous about that next chapter and my work life is a little bit in the doldrums lately too. I'm feeling disconnected and unappreciated and blah-zay at work and some of my close friendships have been estranged.

Last night I was able to talk out some of the more raunchy, deeper thoughts and feelings I'm having w/ a few friends in my Men Finding Peace group meeting. I talked, quite authentically, about some of those naughty, carnal, lustful thoughts that my wife A) wouldn't understand and/or B) would freak out about if I said those things to her. It's just that inner turmoil of my DP still holding on to that love and desire for pure, worldly, carnal gay sex and lust and realizing I can't do those things anymore. And I love doing them! But I tell myself, what's the big deal? In the end is that 7" penis really going to dictate the rest of my life and eternity? I can still enjoy that connection w/ men and fulfill some of those physical needs. I'll just never again know and enjoy the raw, carnal feelings and sensations and the mega hot ecstasy that is gay sex. I will never again feel the pleasure of having a man inside me. Sure, I can have my wife peg me, but really, it's not the same as being dominated by another male; a bigger, stronger man and be subservient to his lust. I will never again service a guy and taste him in my mouth. Nor will I be able to experience the power of an orgasm through performing or receiving gay sex acts.

I don't mean to trigger you, reader, but these are the real and raw thoughts I have. I've had a lot of gay sexual encounters in my day. And they were awesome. I love gay sex. I always will. Men are my sexual preference and my arousal template. While I do enjoy preforming oral sex on a woman, I would much rather suck a dick. While I do enjoy the softness and tenderness that is woman, I would prefer the scratchy, scruffy, strong touch of a man. While I do enjoy being the dominator in my straight marriage, sometimes it's nice to be dominated by a bigger, stronger man and feel him inside me. While I do enjoy cupping a female's breast, I'd prefer to cup an attractive guy's tight, hairy bubble butt. Are these feelings and desires wrong? No, they're not. And I don't feel shame or embarrassment or guilt in having them. The "wrong" part is when I lose control and act out those desires w/ a man outside of my marriage. While my cross of lust is heavy to bear in this life, God thankfully gave me the ability to carry it and temper it and in a sense 'overcome' it. "There hath no temptation taken hold of you but such as is common to man. But God is faithful; He will not suffer you to be tempted beyond that which ye are able to bear, but with the temptation will also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." 1 Cor 10:13

I am choosing God and the purity and peace of mind that comes w/ living a "celibate" life from gay sex. I am choosing the beautiful, simple, genuinely happy life I have w/ my wife and my children and the love we share in our happy home. Is riding a cock really more important than all of that? Some would say yes and that I should stop denying myself and just give in and live my life as a gay man. Well, I'm sorry haters, but while that may give YOU happiness in your life, I've come to find and KNOW that my happiness is found in my family, my church, my strength/control and the peace of mind I have when I'm not allowing my DP to take control of me anymore. Sure I'm still a fuck up in a lot of ways, but I'm still trying to fight the good fight and have not and will not give up! And you know what else I've found out? I can still enjoy a man's touch and his company and snuggle w/ him and feel that closeness and bond w/ him. I just need to absolve myself and grieve the fact I won't ever again partake in some of those beloved carnal desires. Sigh. I just need to grieve it and move on.

That being said, I also want to say I have a solid testimony of this gospel and of Christ's true church. Despite some of the flaws of the men inside the church or who hold leadership positions, they are just men, and are full of worldly weaknesses and flaws and biases and judgments and frailties. Christ's gospel offers nothing but peace and freedom and joy and sweetness and warmth. I would much rather have that joy in my life, that is true and lasting, than the fleeting, empty, hollow pleasures that the world offers. Is it hard to turn away and leave Sodom behind? Hell yes it is! I'd be lying if I said it wasn't! There will always be a tiny bit of my heart in Sodom living amongst all the gay sex orgies and hot, otter-bodied men in their tank tops and tight pants w/ their gorgeous bubble butts. But the eternal part of me knows that for me, that life and way of living is death - metaphorically or realistically speaking. Living a life of chastity and loyalty and service and faithfulness to my covenants and to my family is what I must do. And really, it is what I want to do.

That is what the Spirit speaks to me and just like Nephi, I MUST OBEY! So onward and upward! Show me the way to the font!