Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Letting More Things Go

My LDS re-baptism and confirmation have come and gone and now I'm feeling a bit like it's the day after Christmas. You know.. those terrible post-event woebegone doldrums. To add insult to injury Satan has been hard at work throwing punch after punch to try and bring my spirits down even more. And he's done a pretty good job. I've had a couple of bad instances of male rejection lately. And when that rejection comes from dudes in the MOHO community, it hurts even more.

Case #1

I first met Guy A at the North Star Conference last Spring (March 2016). There was an instant attraction/infatuation one for another and we grew quite fond of each other's company that weekend. Did I lust after him and him me? I'd be a liar if I said no, but we kept our lusts reeled in pretty well. I actually had the opportunity to stay with him for a few nights at his house in AZ when I was down there last summer. Nothing ever happened, but we did enjoy some good physical closeness (no sex) and we enjoyed our time together. Guy A and I communicate maybe once every 6 weeks or so either via phone or text, so we're not too terribly close and we live 2 states away. I actually invited him to fly to Idaho last fall and stay w/ me for a weekend, but he blew me off and said he couldn't for one reason or another. So, I didn't think much more of it, nor him. Just another patch in my patchwork quilt of MOHO friends.

Fast forward to this year's North Star Conference that I wasn't able to attend. Guy A happens to meet Guy B and there is an instant attraction/infatuation between them. Well, they DO happen to talk and text every day. Coincidentally, I actually reached out to Guy B on a recent trip to Utah to spark convo and possibly a friendship, unbeknownst to me that him and Guy A had become bosom buddies. I didn't even know there was an existing connection there. Anyhow, Guy B and I happen to spend some really good, close quality time that weekend and I really like him a lot. Yet, while spending time w/ him I had to hear about his and Guy A's cutesy relationship and witnessed how often they communicated back and forth one to another. The cherry on the cake came a few weeks later when I found out that Guy A actually went to Utah for the weekend and spent some cozy, quality time w/ Guy B. Therefore, it seems Guy A was so quick to haul his pecker to Utah and snuggle up w/ Guy B yet he couldn't come to Idaho when I had invited him to spend time w/ me last fall? Ouch.

So, I have to ask what's so special about Guy B that Guy A sees in him that I don't have? Is he just younger? Fresher? Cuter? Or is it just the fact he's the more tight-assed and newest piece of man meat on the MOHO market/scene and I guess I'm old news?

That bugged me, and it still bugs me. And I don't know why. Am I jealous of their connection and friendship? Am I jealous that Guy A is pawning all over Guy B instead of me and taking more of an interest in him? Am I jealous that perhaps they are both in the same situation (single and acting out) and they could both get together and have some awesome otter sex while I can't? Maybe all of it and then some :(

Case #2

There is a single, mid-30s MOHO gentleman who lives and works here in town who has made quite a good presence for himself in the blogosphere and North Star Community. A lot of guys who meet him think he's the cat's pajamas and have nothing but good things to say. But I say, au contraire.

I first tried to reach out to DB (short for douche bag) via a FB friend request about 9 months or so ago when I found out who he was and that he was another North Star guy living in my area and w/ whom I could possibly connect with. Well, my friend request sat there, and sat there, and sat there. For a few weeks I let it sit until I finally reneged it. A few months later I put together the Men Finding Peace group here in my area (see MFP post) and decide to reach out to any and all queers I know or suspect and are living in my area. Anyhow, I took a flyer over to DB's workplace w/ my contact information written on it inside a sealed envelope and told the kid I spoke w/ to deliver it to DB. I also sent DB a PM in messenger telling him about the local group along w/ another FB friend request. Again, as in all other instances, crickets. Why???

Well, piss on DB I thought to myself, and again reneged my friend request and put him out of my mind.

Then a couple of weeks ago, I hear stirrings in the North Star community of some poor, sad little soul who had recently blogged about feeling lonely and neglected with no one to connect w/. Outpourings of 'you poor, poor little baby' were coming in by the droves. I couldn't believe it! Well, I was delighted to see that DB has his blog set to public so I knew that was my chance to tell him what I thought of him and his situation. So I did. I told him I didn't feel sorry for him and that I had tried several times to reach out and help him get connected to other good MOHOs in the area only to be met w/ ignorance and rejection.

And while I didn't get a response to my post from him, I know and am assured that he read it and knows what I think of him and how bad he hurt me and called him out on his douche-baggery. And that makes me a feel a little better. It was almost like I was able to FINALLY have my say and tell him what a DB I think he is and he really needs to get off himself.

But still, that rejection remains, and it stings and hurts like hell. In fact, if I were to let it, it would continue to rip my guts apart. So I thought it best to block him on FB and completely and totally put him and the circumstance out of my mind. I never want to hear or see anything related to DB again.

I try and tell myself, no matter; I know who my friends are and those who genuinely love and care for me and who enjoy spending time w/ me. Why do I care so much about being (accepted? validated? acknowledged?) by this DB prick and why-oh-why would I give someone whom I've never even met in person so much power over me!? Give me a break!

Well, no way! Not any more! I am in control of my emotions and my actions and my own happiness. I won't have it dictated to me by ignorant turds or stupid, petty, worthless, insignificant occurrences such as these.

I've come a long way, but obviously, I still have a long ways to go and have more growing up to do.  I guess I'd better eat some more fruits and veggies and stay away from the 'junk' food.

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