But someone who isn't thrilled w/ this event? Yep..that ole' bitch Satan who has been uber busy these past couple of weeks whispering loads of sweet lustful thoughts, memories, desires, wants and wishes into my DP's ear. And my DP is listening and TBH I'm struggling to keep my eye single to the glory and keep myself focused and resolute in my thoughts and desires.
My wife and I talked surface-ly about my struggles this week. I told her Satan has been hitting me hard core w/ a barrage of temptations and thoughts. And the more I look and lust, the more Satan seems to provide more things for me to lust over! Does that sound like someone who is ready to take upon them the name of Christ and be baptized? :/ Factor in the sunny spring weather when everyone decides to start shedding clothes or putting on tighter pants and exercising, riding bikes, flexing their muscles, and flaunting their beautiful otter-esque bodies for everyone to see. Oy vey.
Now, I do have to give myself some slack as I realize I'm also a man and us men have that natural instinct in the spring to want to screw. That natural urge to mate and spread the seed doesn't lie w/ only animals; it hits us dudes pretty hard too. In addition, my wife and I are in the midst of building a house and I'm feeling excited yet nervous about that next chapter and my work life is a little bit in the doldrums lately too. I'm feeling disconnected and unappreciated and blah-zay at work and some of my close friendships have been estranged.
Last night I was able to talk out some of the more raunchy, deeper thoughts and feelings I'm having w/ a few friends in my Men Finding Peace group meeting. I talked, quite authentically, about some of those naughty, carnal, lustful thoughts that my wife A) wouldn't understand and/or B) would freak out about if I said those things to her. It's just that inner turmoil of my DP still holding on to that love and desire for pure, worldly, carnal gay sex and lust and realizing I can't do those things anymore. And I love doing them! But I tell myself, what's the big deal? In the end is that 7" penis really going to dictate the rest of my life and eternity? I can still enjoy that connection w/ men and fulfill some of those physical needs. I'll just never again know and enjoy the raw, carnal feelings and sensations and the mega hot ecstasy that is gay sex. I will never again feel the pleasure of having a man inside me. Sure, I can have my wife peg me, but really, it's not the same as being dominated by another male; a bigger, stronger man and be subservient to his lust. I will never again service a guy and taste him in my mouth. Nor will I be able to experience the power of an orgasm through performing or receiving gay sex acts.
I don't mean to trigger you, reader, but these are the real and raw thoughts I have. I've had a lot of gay sexual encounters in my day. And they were awesome. I love gay sex. I always will. Men are my sexual preference and my arousal template. While I do enjoy preforming oral sex on a woman, I would much rather suck a dick. While I do enjoy the softness and tenderness that is woman, I would prefer the scratchy, scruffy, strong touch of a man. While I do enjoy being the dominator in my straight marriage, sometimes it's nice to be dominated by a bigger, stronger man and feel him inside me. While I do enjoy cupping a female's breast, I'd prefer to cup an attractive guy's tight, hairy bubble butt. Are these feelings and desires wrong? No, they're not. And I don't feel shame or embarrassment or guilt in having them. The "wrong" part is when I lose control and act out those desires w/ a man outside of my marriage. While my cross of lust is heavy to bear in this life, God thankfully gave me the ability to carry it and temper it and in a sense 'overcome' it. "There hath no temptation taken hold of you but such as is common to man. But God is faithful; He will not suffer you to be tempted beyond that which ye are able to bear, but with the temptation will also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." 1 Cor 10:13
I am choosing God and the purity and peace of mind that comes w/ living a "celibate" life from gay sex. I am choosing the beautiful, simple, genuinely happy life I have w/ my wife and my children and the love we share in our happy home. Is riding a cock really more important than all of that? Some would say yes and that I should stop denying myself and just give in and live my life as a gay man. Well, I'm sorry haters, but while that may give YOU happiness in your life, I've come to find and KNOW that my happiness is found in my family, my church, my strength/control and the peace of mind I have when I'm not allowing my DP to take control of me anymore. Sure I'm still a fuck up in a lot of ways, but I'm still trying to fight the good fight and have not and will not give up! And you know what else I've found out? I can still enjoy a man's touch and his company and snuggle w/ him and feel that closeness and bond w/ him. I just need to absolve myself and grieve the fact I won't ever again partake in some of those beloved carnal desires. Sigh. I just need to grieve it and move on.
That being said, I also want to say I have a solid testimony of this gospel and of Christ's true church. Despite some of the flaws of the men inside the church or who hold leadership positions, they are just men, and are full of worldly weaknesses and flaws and biases and judgments and frailties. Christ's gospel offers nothing but peace and freedom and joy and sweetness and warmth. I would much rather have that joy in my life, that is true and lasting, than the fleeting, empty, hollow pleasures that the world offers. Is it hard to turn away and leave Sodom behind? Hell yes it is! I'd be lying if I said it wasn't! There will always be a tiny bit of my heart in Sodom living amongst all the gay sex orgies and hot, otter-bodied men in their tank tops and tight pants w/ their gorgeous bubble butts. But the eternal part of me knows that for me, that life and way of living is death - metaphorically or realistically speaking. Living a life of chastity and loyalty and service and faithfulness to my covenants and to my family is what I must do. And really, it is what I want to do.
That is what the Spirit speaks to me and just like Nephi, I MUST OBEY! So onward and upward! Show me the way to the font!