Thursday, November 2, 2017

Lidocaine on the Brain

Ordinarily we use social media to only post the most magical, wonderful, perfect parts of our lives. We keep the things we struggle with and our pains and weaknesses and fears to ourselves. And why is that? Shouldn’t we all be reaching out more and being real and raw and authentic and vulnerable w/ one another and asking each other for help, advice, suggestions, support, etc!? Why do we paint these glorious pictures and build these facades of our so-called perfect lives and yet in reality it is anything but!?

I’m 38 years old. I’m no longer the 23 year old, taut, social, single nymphomaniac blowing whichever way the wind happens to be blowing that day. I am no longer in my prime or have the world at my feet with a world of opportunities laid out in front of me. I struggle every single day to keep my head above water and screwed on straight. I’m married 13+ years to a wonderful woman who is truly an angel. We have 4 kids that mean the world to me even though sometimes they can be rotten, disobedient turds. I've done the college thing and have now been at my current job for 10 years. I've been disfellowshipped and excommunicated and been rebaptized. Yet, I’m forever stuck feeling like a scared and lost 14 yr old boy on the inside even though I’m now a middle-aged man on the outside! I have major responsibilities and obligations and am looked at as the provider and protector and people may think I have all my shit together. I'm a veritable MAN now. So why don't I feel like it? Why am I so ignorant in so many real-life and real-world things like stocks and bonds and 401Ks and politics and insurance and world affairs and yada yada yada? Why am I so stupid and scared and immature and simple minded? Seriously, I'm quite pathetic when you break it down. Why can't I focus and remember things? Why do I feel so dazed and confused much of the time? Why can't I get a grip on life and reality and make decisions and be strong and bold and brave?

What am I doing? Where am I going? What do I want to do with my life? Am I happy? How do those around me know I love them and do I? How do I love others and show it or feel it or express it? What does that look and feel like? Why do I feel jealous and spiteful and need constant validation and affirmation from others, especially men I am attracted to? Why do I feel so empty and numb and alone and like I'm just floating through my life? How do I move on from my past of decades of abuse and shame and addiction and feel satisfied and content with myself and my life and current situation and status? What’s it going to take? When will I finally ‘get there’ or 'arrive'? And where exactly am I going to that I need to arrive at? 
Will things get or be better when I'm 40 or 50? Do I need to look for a new job? Do I need to go back to school and work toward a Master's degree in idk what or for why? What the hell is it going to take for me to feel satisfied and content or will I still feel this way in another 20-30 years? What am I doing w/ my life aside from trying to be a good father and husband and make memories and a safe, cozy home for my family? What else is there? I am such a basic, blahzay, boring, simple, mediocre person in almost every way. How sad is that!?

To all you young bucks, I'm sorry to say that I don't think things do get better in time or with age. You will still have the same thoughts and feelings and temptations in another 20 years. Getting married, or being sober from masturbation and porn or going on a mission isn't going to change you or "heal" you. You'd think that marriage to a wonderful, loving wife and having beautiful children and getting older and keeping my addictions and same sex lusts in check and attending church every Sunday and paying the bills and being 'responsible' and having a job and being on 40 mg of Prozac and putting one foot in front of another and going through the motions of life would give me those feelings of peace and contentment I desire! Yet I only experience momentary, fleeting snippets of happiness and contentment on occasion. What gives!? It's like I'm floating by myself in a boat w/o oars in a fog bank in the middle of the ocean at night. Am I irreparably physically damaged mentally, physically, emotionally, and/or suffer from chronic, severe depression or brain damage through years of self and chemical abuse and stupid choices and addictions and secrets and lies and darkness? If so will it ever improve or am I doomed to walk through my life here on the earth in this persistent numb state? Why the damn hopelessness and feelings of nothingness and despair and numbness ALL THE TIME!? Is this all there is? Do I just battle my demons and "feel" this chronic blasé numbness yet just continue moving forward and letting the days, months, and years pass by all the while striving in faith to make the 'right' choices and be the best dad and husband I can be all on a wing and a prayer and hope that it will get better or eventually be better in this life or in the next?


2 comments:

  1. I've posted this before. I'll say it again, though. Go do therapy. Really do therapy. Find out the answers to all of the questions you asked in your post. Get real, get sad, get mad, get however you need to get so you can find YOUR answers. Do YOUR work, not someone else's. Because when you do, when you really do, one day you will be on THIS side of all you currently feel and it will be amazing. The joy you feel will be real, it will be palpable, you will feel healed from your past.

    So, I'll say it again: do your work, your therapy. Find the answers you need to your questions.

    I love you. I thank you for all of the things I learn from you. You are amazing. Truly spectacular!! Love, Duck

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  2. Your comment truly made me smile, Duck. Thank you so much for being there and for sharing your thoughts and kind words. It doesn't fall on deaf ears, or in this case, blind eyes. It's just very expensive and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever repair the damage that has been done in this life. Thank you!

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